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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27582083">addressing the cringe trauma from my fail childhood</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scourgefan12/pseuds/Scourgefan12'>Scourgefan12</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hellsing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:18:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,155</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27582083</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scourgefan12/pseuds/Scourgefan12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jan has been through some shit, and whether he likes it or not, it's taken its toll on him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>addressing the cringe trauma from my fail childhood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jan Valentine did <em>not</em> have PTSD. </p><p>He <em>didn't</em>. Seriously.</p><p>He absolutely fucking did not.</p><p>He didn't even know what PTSD stood for. How could he possibly have it?</p><p>Jan, of course, knew this was bullshit. He was lying to himself. There was definitely something wrong with him. Lots of somethings actually, but he wasn't going to acknowledge all his other blatant mental problems cause if he did then he'd be here all fucking day.</p><p>He wasn't sure what exactly he had, he wasn't a psychologist, but from his limited knowledge PTSD seemed to fit pretty damn well.</p><p>He had certain things that just set him off. If they happened, then he'd... shut down? Freak the fuck out? A mix of both, really. It absolutely fucking sucked. </p><p>He wouldn't be able to breathe, for one. Which wasn't something he needed to do anymore, but in the moment that wasn't a thing he remembered. He'd just be freaked out by the fact that he suddenly couldn't breathe properly, and he'd end up hyperventilating like some sort of gross fish out of water.</p><p>He'd get all shaky and jumpy too. Like seriously, he just wouldn't be able to stop fucking shaking. And on top of that, he'd turn into such a little bitch. If someone so much as looked at him funny he'd flinch or cower away from them. </p><p>And if someone tried to touch him? Fucking Christ. He wanted to say that he'd snap at them and threaten them, but if he was being honest with himself, what he really did was scream and try to get away. Sometimes this would include some attempt at a threat, but more often it was some sort of pleading. Begging them to stay away, keep their hands off him, don't touch him, don't hit him. A lot of the time he wasn't even able to be coherent, the only sentences he could form being some combination of "please" "don't" and "i'm sorry".</p><p>Sometimes he'd cry too, but thankfully he was usually able to prevent that, at least. Thank god, this was already bad enough when he wasn't bawling like a fucking baby.</p><p>The worst part was that in the moment, he didn't even care about how insane or unreasonable he was acting. His brain was too busy sounding the panic alarm for him to think that maybe the way he was acting wasn't normal. Too busy throwing him back into the memory of whatever scared him so bad in the first place, convincing him that it was <em>happening again</em> and that he was <em>there</em> and he was <em>so fucked</em>.</p><p>It was fucking humiliating, especially since most of what triggered these episodes was really innocuous shit that no normal person would even think twice about. </p><p>Getting yelled at was one thing, and it was probably the only one that made any actual sense. Nobody liked getting yelled at, even regular people who didn't turn into a trauma-laden vegetable over it. For Jan, it usually hit him harder if it was a dude yelling at him. If it was a chick, he was usually able to shake it off well enough and put on a pretty convincing act of not being bothered. </p><p>Depending on the circumstances, he was able to do this if it was a guy too. Other factors like what shit was going on around him at the time and how stressed he already was played into how bad of a reaction he'd have.</p><p>Another one was people touching his hair. In any way, shape or form. No matter what, every time this happened he'd be reduced to a panicky mess. That was why he was basically always wearing a hat, it was a lot harder for people to touch if there was something in the way. Them looking good on him was just a bonus.</p><p>Luke was the only exception to this, and that was only if his bro asked real fucking clearly before doing it. This was convenient, since Jan liked keeping his hair short, but didn't want to cut it himself since if he did it'd look like a child just grabbed a pair of scissors and went nuts.</p><p>Jan probably hated this one the most, since it was one of the worst ones, and it was also the one that made the least sense. Like, seriously? What kind of pussy cried at having their hair played with? Him apparently, he was that kind of pussy.</p><p>It also meant that if he ever managed to get laid, hair pulling was completely off the table. Hopefully the array of other fucked up stuff he was into would curb the disappointment his future partner would feel over that. </p><p>While he was on the topic, the daddy kink also wasn't a thing that was ever going to happen. So, that's two things he was taking away from his future partner. Incredible. (Realistically, he knew that he was just setting boundaries, which was normal. It was expected, everyone did it. He still couldn't help feeling a bit selfish, though.)</p><p>Another thing was being compared to an animal, though to be fair he wasn't sure how much this one counted since it didn't actually scare him or anything like that. It just really fucking hurt, it was probably the only insult he actually cared about. You could call him the most vile, nasty shit imaginable and he'd only laugh, but that? His heart would plummet straight to the fucking floor, it would ruin him.</p><p>This was rather unfortunate, since people honestly had every right to treat him like an animal. He acted like one, and he was self aware enough to know that. </p><p>When he killed people, it was messy as hell. If he didn't end up covered in blood, then the surrounding area definitely would. And when he fed on people, it wasn't enough for him to just bite their neck and get it over with. No, he had to tear them the fuck apart. Gouge out their eyes, rip off their heads, yank their organs out, that type of shit. He was honestly no better than the ghouls Millennium ordered around. In fact, he was worse because they didn't enjoy what they did, they just ran on pure instinct.</p><p>That wasn't to say he felt remorse for what he did. He didn't give a singular fuck about his victims or the pain he caused them, he just knew that what he did was fucked up. Like on a purely logical level, it just was.</p><p>Knowing that the comparison was accurate didn't make it hurt any less, though. If anything, that made it feel even worse. It just confirmed that it was true, that the son of a bitch who had called him that over every little thing he did had been right. Daddy dearest had known what he was talking about, Jan really was just a filthy fucking animal.</p><p>He'd been right about a lot of things, actually. But Jan wasn't going to think about that, if he did he'd just make himself sick.</p><p>Jan, of course, didn't let people know that this upset him. If it came up, he'd laugh with them like he usually did. And if it really got to him then he'd wander off by himself to sulk like a bitch.</p><p>Another thing that really got to him was the sight and smell of alcohol. Not <em>any</em> alcohol, just certain types. Back when they'd still lived together, father of the year had a drinking problem and had certain preferences for what he liked. And now, Jan couldn't see specific brands without anxiety shooting straight through him. </p><p>Luckily, this was rarely a problem. It wasn't like Millennium had its own fucking bar or something dumb like that. A lot of the members drank, Jan included, but they didn't parade that shit around. They mostly kept it to themselves and whatever circle of friends they were with at the time.</p><p>Even the few times where this was a problem, it was pretty easy to handle. Just remove himself from the situation, retreat to his room or something. If he was with people then he'd have to offer some sort of explanation for why he was leaving, but it wasn't too hard to think of a decent lie. And if they didn't believe him then it wasn't his problem, he'd be gone before they had a chance to question him.</p><p>He couldn't help but berate himself over this, it was stupid. There was no good reason for him to be so spooked by a little alcohol, it merely existing in his presence wasn't gonna hurt him. However, it was so deeply associated in his mind with <em>pain</em> and <em>fear</em> and <em>bad things</em> and he just couldn't help it.</p><p>He <em>should've</em> been able to though, that was the problem. He should've been able to control how this shit made him feel. He should have the mental capacity to understand that this shit didn't matter, he should've been able to get over it, <em>get over himself</em>. But he couldn't and he hated it.</p><p>It didn't matter how much he hated it, unfortunately. He could insult himself, or yell at himself, or beat himself up over it, it wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't make his brain suddenly start working properly.</p><p>Sometimes he wondered if Luke had problems with this sort of stuff, and then he'd realize what a horrifically stupid thought that was. </p><p>Of course he didn't. Luke wasn't like him. </p><p>He could wax poetic about how much better than him Luke was for hours, except wait, no he couldn't because he was an idiot who barely even knew what the word 'poetic' meant. But that was beside the point, the point being that if anyone could actually manage to work past things and heal, it'd be Luke. On top of being more mature in the literal sense, he'd also always been the more emotionally mature of the two of them. He just couldn't picture his bro being a fucking pansy, having full on breakdowns over tiny shit that didn't matter.</p><p>Maybe this meant Jan's assumption was right, or maybe it just meant that Luke simply had an easier time keeping these feelings under wraps. Either way, Luke was better. </p><p>Luke had always been better, just in general. Maybe that was why shit had always been so rough for Jan. He'd never been able to compete, had always been mediocre at best and infuriating at worst, and that had pissed the son of a bitch who'd raised them off.</p><p>Not that he could blame Luke for this, that wouldn't be fair. It wasn't like it was Luke's fault he happened to suck in every way that actually mattered. That Jan didn't know how to behave himself properly.</p><p>(Logically, he knew that if anyone were to blame then it would be their father, for treating him so badly for seemingly no reason. For shit that was out of his control. But, he couldn't help thinking it was his own fault somehow, that he'd brought it onto himself.)</p><p>Plus, it wasn't like Luke had ever taken advantage of this. He'd never used his "better than jan" status to try and curry favor with the shitheel who'd raised them, or used it to try and get out of the bad shit that happened to them. </p><p>He'd never even so much as rubbed it in Jan's face a little, even though it would make sense for him to, he had bragging rights. In fact if Jan ever brought it up then he'd seem almost upset about it. He'd insist that he <em>wasn't</em> better than Jan, and at first Jan thought that had to be a joke except Luke never laughed, he was one hundred percent serious. He actually meant it, for some reason.</p><p>So, Luke was maybe a little delusional. But that was fine, that was basically his only flaw.</p><p>Plus, it wasn't like Jan was complaining. It was nice to have someone who actually believed in him, thought he was worth more than the shit on the bottom of their shoe.</p><p>Either that or Luke just <em>really</em> hated himself, but Jan was going to choose to not think this was the case.</p><p>Back on track though, his problems were dumb and they made him feel like an embarrassment. <em>Especially</em> when he compared himself to Luke.</p><p>Luke, who carried himself with such an insane amount of grace. Luke, who was so <em>perfect</em> that he barely even seemed like a person sometimes. Luke, who seemed like he didn't even have to <em>try</em>, his talent just came naturally to him.</p><p>It wasn't like Jan could do anything about it, though. His brain was broken, and that's just how it was. He couldn't fix it, all he could do was live with it. Try to function without making a complete fool out of himself. Hopefully, he could manage that.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sometimes an irrelevant side character who has no development and dies in one episode can be something deeply personal</p><p>For real though, I think about potential backstory stuff for Jan... so often. He's a completely fleshed out little dude who lives inside my head, unrecognizable from what Hirano was going for<br/>I wanted to get some of my thoughts out. I tried to be tasteful &amp; respectful, but that's difficult to do when you're writing about things from Jan's perspective, I don't think he knows what either of those words even mean</p></blockquote></div></div>
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